I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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