maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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