There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
