she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
dude. I can hear the air.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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