i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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