My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
