I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
