I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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