I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
