It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
