So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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