Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
