thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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