the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
