you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
