And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
whose ass print is on the piano?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
