she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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