i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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