it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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