i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
