Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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