My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
