Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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