Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
