Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You have to summon your inner elephant
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
