My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
