Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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