Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
