Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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