life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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