I am puke
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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