if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
