I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
