His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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