If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
