Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
