there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
