you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
