I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
