Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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