I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
