i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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