Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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