he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I deserve this hangover.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize