Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize