I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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