Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Randomize
