She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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