So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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