just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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