I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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