Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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