I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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