just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
