Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
