Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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