Your face is a jimmy john
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
