I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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