@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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