Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I deserve this hangover.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
